[Folkmore IC Inbox][un: hythlodaeus]

[modestpurpose]

hythlodaeus

This is Hythlodaeus! It looks like you missed me, so leave me a message.

Comments

text, UN: Machinist

[scienceofthearcane]

I understand if you're busy but I was hoping that I could talk to you?

[modestpurpose]

Of course. You have my full attention.

[scienceofthearcane]

I wasn't sure who I could possibly talk to about this, but you at least don't need any sort of explanation.

I feel like I'm less and less in control of any violent urges that I feel. While I understand that you wouldn't know any better than I did because of this unique situation, I just... find myself feeling afraid I think?

[modestpurpose]

Violent urges?

You're going to need to start from the beginning, I'm not sure I follow.

[scienceofthearcane]

Before when the Void was strengthened, I had been repeatedly frustrated by my lack of ability to use this sort of magic to any great effect. But then when I felt the urge to actually hurt something in the desert, I can't tell if that urge came from me or was the influence of the Void.

[modestpurpose]

I see...

When you felt this urge, was it to cause harm in self defence or simply because you wanted to?

[scienceofthearcane]

It started out as defense of another and I am not sure when that changed, but I took it a lot further than just defense. That's what I mean by violent urges.

[modestpurpose]

I can understand why you'd be concerned if this is unusual for you.

And I assume you're asking me because those people closer to you would worry too much if you brought it up to them?

[scienceofthearcane]

Honestly I think that they are already worried for me, but as callous as it sounds I know that you at least won't be as emotionally involved so I would be not as likely to upset you if I told you these things.

[modestpurpose]

I won't say I'm not concerned as someone who has grown fond of you, but you're right. I'll do what I can to help.

What makes you think these urges of yours have something to do with your condition?

[scienceofthearcane]

I based it on what I already know of the Void, both for its ability to magically mutate living organisms and its ability to affect organic tissue, which is why my hand is showing changes regardless of what body I am using. What I have been calling magic is not actually magic at all. Instead, it's a by-product made when the Void consumes more of my aether.

[modestpurpose]

You're going to have to forgive me, Viktor, but I'm not entirely understanding where you're going with this.

[scienceofthearcane]

I don't think I'm going anywhere. Mostly I think I just wanted to be able to talk through my thoughts without someone becoming further upset by it when I did.

[modestpurpose]

Ah, I understand.

Go ahead. I'm listening. Or reading, as the case may be.

[scienceofthearcane]

I've never had a violent nature before but I will admit to feeling a sort of detached calm when I am using violence now. I can't tell where my mind ends and the Void's influence begins on this. I think that the hex core is now so attuned to me personally that while it's consuming parts of me, it is using the organic material of anyone that is close to it. It already consumed my research assistant, Sky Young, but the worst part of that was it used her organic material to finish rebuilding my leg.

[modestpurpose]

Interesting...
The creation magic used by my people operates on a similar concept, so I think I understand.

As for the effect it's having on your mind... my recommendation would be to stop using the power it's giving you. I'm sure you're already aware of that.

[scienceofthearcane]

Yes I have thought of that. However without using it, there is next to nothing that I can do to have any effect on the Trial-made hazards. This becomes problematic when there is someone else who is being hurt by them, and the only means I have of helping them is by using the power that it grants me. It's a matter of Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.

[modestpurpose]

I don't know about that.
To me it seems more as if you are certainly damned if you do, but you can make the choice to not.

Would they want you to damn yourself to help them?

[scienceofthearcane]

Possibly they would not. But it's more a matter of whether I would be able to live with that on my conscience.

[modestpurpose]

Have you talked about this with anyone else but me?

[scienceofthearcane]

...No. It would upset others, but I thought it wouldn't upset you.

[modestpurpose]

Viktor, you should tell them.

[scienceofthearcane]

What could I tell them? That I feel afraid of what the Void is doing to me? What good would knowing that I feel afraid of what is happening to me do? I don't know how to stop it, and even if I stopped using what power the process is granting me I will still eventually be consumed anyway.

[modestpurpose]

Let me put it another way.

If Jayce were the one going through this, would you want to know?

[scienceofthearcane]

All else being equal, yes I would. But something you have to understand is that Jayce has been protective to the point of smothering. I worry that if I do tell him what I feel when I see the Void's hold over my mind and body increasing, it will cause him needless levels of stress. I would much rather he have as little stress as possible.